Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

Jesus steals the winter solstice

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Beware of the dog..

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

ㅤ

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?