Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Stop.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

X-tra spooky blend

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

The most important meal of the day is the next one

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back