I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
You Might Also Like
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe