Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.

But he’s never made it as a wise man.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

Check out the legs on this baby

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.

“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.

“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.