I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
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I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.