Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”

-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-