I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
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SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Breaking news:
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
😂 amazing answer
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.