Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

The USS B port

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk