I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere