Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.

Good boy 😂😂

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??