The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Found my door mat
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]