I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people