I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
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Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow