I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
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no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Buying a well is money well spent.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?