I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
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Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I think I’m having a stroke