i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Name another movie that mislead you?
