Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”

Writing, She Murdered.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.

Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–

Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!

*at a shower

Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.

[friend whispers to me]

Sorry. Wedding dress.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

How to properly lift a body