Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Am I having a stroke?

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages