Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming

He just like my cat fr

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”