I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
You Might Also Like
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’ve been drinking.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
The options really are this bad
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.