Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

english majors be like furthermore

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me