I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
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Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.