Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

how it started vs how it ended

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.