Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Great game to play with friends

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

🐶😂

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line