I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Aight bet
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“what that mouth do?” complain
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys