I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket