Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it