Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

this is funnier than any friends episode

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.