Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…