I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
You Might Also Like
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me