Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above