I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You Might Also Like
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Smile they said.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them