Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]

Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.

Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”