I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*