I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

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ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure


The closest I get to exercising is when I trip on the sidewalk and pretend jog for like 10 feet.


“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.


[Getting ready to go out]

Her: Is that what you’re wearing?

Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.


I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.


Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.


People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.


My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*