Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.