Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.