Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

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December birthdays be like…

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.