I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what