I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
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Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My wedding will be open casket.
Windchimes
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets