I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
You Might Also Like
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?