@imence2

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.

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@slimmy_shady

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

@Papa_Mex

I’m an ‘adult’, so why do I dance a little and look around nervously when I find a $20 bill in my jeans I didn’t know was there…

@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@amydillon

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

@juliussharpe

I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”

@Contwixt

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL