The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer