“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
How does someone manage that 🤨
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.