I’m sure it’s fine.
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.