i’m sure it’s fine
You Might Also Like
lmao😭🤣
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on