i’m sure it’s fine
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.