i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?