i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
accurate
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
black phone good
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.