i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
the way this pissed me off… 😭
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
figuring out my emotional availability:
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man