I’m sure it’s fine.
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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
The options really are this bad
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.