I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
the noise i just made
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
groan^2
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
*pronounces woah like Noah*