I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
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Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga