I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.