I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
This raises questions
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”