Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED