“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
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the last thing a carrot sees
I love twitter
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Simple enough.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
shakira sharkira
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change