i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?