Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”

*Groans*

*Sobs*

*sighs*

*a solitary gunshot*

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*