i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
You Might Also Like
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
This fish is cracking me up
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
#Caturday
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]