i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.