I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
You Might Also Like
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.