It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
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Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.