[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen