I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?