I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
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5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
This is why I hate group projects
Was it something I said?
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard