Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

dutch is not a serious language

“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”

That sucks. What’s he like?

“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”

But what’s his personality-

“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”

How’s his personali-

“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.