Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
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windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
😆this is so true
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*