I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.