I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
You don’t even know
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
10/10 no notes
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
