I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
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9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
LMAO
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
normalize having existential bread
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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