I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
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Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?